Have you ever had that someone, you care for and respect but somehow, all that he/she can give you is tears and pain? It can be your partner, spouse, family member, friend or even a colleague. Let's call this person "YN". I will tell you what YN stands for a little later. And, let's refer to him/her as "it".
I know!! I am sorry! Its very mean. But, its simpler than typing him/her each time and also, if you know what I am talking about, you would also refer to it as "It"
So, YN is a fairly important person in your life. You love it, respect it, value it's opinions and believe it has your best interests at heart. May be it does. But, all it can do is put you down. Tell you what you aren't good at. Ridicule you. Criticize everything you do. Kill your confidence. Or even worse, tell you that your confidence is a big lie. You don't deserve it. You suck.
Sounds like a douchebag, doesn't it? But, here is the problem. You can't hate it. May be it throws you into a rage, breaks your heart, messes you up. Only for a short while. When the pain lessens a bit, you try and rationalize YN's actions. Try and cook up stories in your head, trying to make yourself believe that it is YOU who has misunderstood or maybe even overreacted. So, you blame yourself and decide to be better the next time.
For years, I could never understand how victims of abuse stayed in that relationship. Why would you let someone break you down physically, mentally or emotionally? Where is your self respect and love for self? Here lies the problem. When it comes to YN, you don't have any self respect. And, when you don't have self respect, you don't love yourself. Anyways, not more than YN.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying YN is a bad person or wants to harm you or is abusive. And, probably what YN is doing is right in its head. It thinks that's the way to deal with it. Or, maybe it doesn't want to deal with it. To be nice to you, to help you out, would mean understanding you. This is a chore. It is unpleasant because, this means YN will have to feel too. And, it doesn't want to put in that effort for you.
YN is very very important to you. But, it doesn't have to be true the other way round too. You might be just another somebody. Just because you have emotionally invested yourself in this relationship, doesn't mean it did too. So, it doesn't know that it is causing you more harm than good. Everything it says or does is caustic, slowly eroding you, eating you away, leaving you empty.
You need to get out of it. You need to set yourself free. It will be tough, almost impossible. You will feel its better to stay in it than go through the pain of losing your YN. But, the hard truth is you don't need it in your life. Any relationship which requires the submission of your dignity is wrong.
This relationship is toxic for you. If a part of your body is infected and rotting and is beyond help and treatment, you have to cut it out. You don't want to lose your limb, but here, the choice is a limb or your life. The choice should be your life.
If you have a tumor, you have to get rid of it. Yes, it is a part of your body, those cells are yours. But, they don't know they are harming you, killing you slowly. They are doing what they know to do. Don't blame it, but cut it out.
But, if you are in a situation where it is not possible to completely block out YN, take small steps to make your life better. Do not angrily defend yourself against all the unjust remarks. It will just disturb your own peace of mind. Don't be afraid to fully experience all the pains and disappointments. Trust me, it does get easier to deal with, one day. Be the bigger person, don't react, don't give in.
As I was writing this, I had a client come into my studio. She was here with her mom. As the girl tries on her clothes, smiles in the mirror, happy with what she sees, just to be crushed by her mother's remarks. "Your arms are too fat" "Your calves are too thick" And, this is not the first time I have seen this exchange. This happens every time they come. The girl obviously cannot react very strongly. She just walks around ignoring, pretending she can't hear her. Very sad, but at least she isn't wasting her energy trying to hurt her mother back.
Every unpleasant experience with another person is an opportunity to see people as they are, not as we mistakenly idealize them. The more unpleasant the other person is, the more he can teach you.
So, if you haven't met YN yet, I hope you never do. But, if you have, fine. Here is a chance to learn something, to get stronger and wiser.
So, what is YN? "Your Nemesis" Pretty dramatic uh? But, I really do think that they can be the reason for your downfall, emotionally if you let them. You don't want to let them go, but they aren't good for you. They might be the god's gift to the whole mankind, but they are just so wrong for you.
So, instead of staying in now, and spending a few months or years and a lot of your hard earned money in therapy, LET GO NOW.
Take a deep breath, smile, don't look back. Time to walk away. Time to break free.